I've been stressing lately about why my cycles are way more out-of-whack, in comparison to my previously normal, out-of-whack cycles. Which ironically is likely making my hormones worse.. FML.
My body the past two epic cycles seems to be trying to ovulate and either giving up or failing. If we weren't trying to have a baby then I'd be so pleased, as I could totally go for only 8-9 periods per year. Way less inconvenience! But for fertility that is horrible odds and torturous waiting times! Enough to drive someone completely bonkers! Namely me.
Here I sit on day 30-something (I've now lost track) and I don't believe ovulation successfully took place. FML. I don't know whether to laugh, to cry or to get outright angry. I'm a ball of mixed emotions and its harsh. It currently seems to take my body over 20 days to produce the first attempt and then.. nada. Really hormones? Could you get any crappier? I can't wait to leave this mess of hormones behind. Someday soon, I'll get them to regulate one way or another and I'll be normal. Aaahhhh..
[insert breath of fresh air here]
Yes, that's right. The power of positive thinking. I'm trying my best to relax (which, is way frigging harder than it sounds!). It's all in perception. I'm generally a very positive person and look for the silver lining in everything I do. I take life lessons from my experiences and try not to repeat the same mistakes. This is not something I can control. Not something I can learn to do better next time. It's out of my hands. It's exciting, rip-your-hair-out, happy-dancing, smash-something, love-filled and scary all at once. each time I catch myself worrying I remind myself that I have no control over this and to think a positive thought.
Admittedly, after a few months you do get scarred. I don't yet know how to come back from being slightly jaded. I guess I'll figure it out once we're pregnant and I look back and think "That wasn't so bad." Pffft! Yeah right! What I do know, is that the end goal is worth all of this pain and suffering.
I read something uplifting today that made me all kinds of emotional.
"Believe, Conceive, Receive"
Three powerful little words. A shimmer of hope in the vast darkness of fertility.
Can you tell I've been more emotional lately than normal? I even cried at an SPCA commercial for the poor animals. Some music has been making me teary as well. I don't know what is up with me. Stress? I feel the emotions at work as anger and then the next minute I want to just bawl my eyes out. I'm currently very frustrated at myself, at my body, at the universe. My BBT are just over 36 degrees and holding. Bleh. The waiting is getting annoying to say the least... So hormones, whatever the heck you're doing, you'd better kick your ass into gear next cycle or else!
