The Universe Has Got This

The tarot party on Saturday was very relaxing and healing. the ladies did a reading, along with group cleansing and meditation. I left feeling a sense of peace and calm, but strength at the same time. The tarot reading included muscle testing and we discovered that I have unresolved issues of loss from past lives, and that I needed to be aware of that loss and fear and let it go. She also told me that we needed to slow down, which we're already trying to work on. One of the cards was celebration which is very exciting indeed. Regarding conception she said 2-4 months from now.

Because I am a controlling personality, I have been taking opks this week in the hopes of seeing O and after which a temperature spike. To continue my last post, Here is the result of todays opk.

I'd say it looks pretty positive to me. Yesterdays test looked almost exactly the same. Normally, I'd say this is a good thing. However there is one wrench in my plans. For the past two days I've been spotting. I'm guessing this means AF is on her way, but I'd like to hold out some level of hope and think that it may be ovulation. I did read that it is actually possible to ovulate during AF, so theres some small glimmer of hope if this is the case. I guess only time will tell. I'm just hoping my body will get into a rhythm soon as I trust it knows what it is doing. I'll leave it to the universe and keep wishing for great things.

Science & Spirituality

The Science side of my coin. 
I have become my very own science experiment. I decided to document my opks this cycle to try to figure out what the heck is going on with these 50 day+ cycles. I wonder if these long cycles are normal after a loss? Is it my body trying to balance itself out? Is something wrong with me? Do women have healthy pregnancies from ultra long cycles?

First lets look at the evidence.
Method:
I read somewhere that you're not supposed to use FMU for opks, and you should hold it in for at least 4 hours, so I started taking them around noon or as long as I could hold it.

Data:
On Wednesday Feb 16th(cd27) my digital opk was finally & clearly a positive. I don't think there is much room for error on a digital. Signs at the time, all pointed to ovulation approaching.

Feb 16th

Well, as I previously mentioned, I was punk'd, by my own body... My temperatures did not rise (indicating ovulation), so I waited a few more confusing days and then began opks again.

Nearly a week later, on Tuesday Feb 22nd(cd33), I saw a second line on the opk. (It did not match the control line so was not indicative of a positive. The non-digital opks are much harder to interpret as you can see.) The next day, Feb 23rd, I again saw a lighter second line. By Feb 24th, the line had all but disappeared, leaving me to wonder if perhaps those were the closest to positive as I was going to see on a non-digital.
(My apologies for the poor photo quality, some were taken on an iphone3.)

Feb 22nd(cd33) noon - almost?

Feb 23rd(cd34) noon

Feb 24th(cd35) 6pm - clearly neg

Skip to today, Feb 26th(cd37). I wake up late (It's Saturday & I slept in) and figure I'm just going to waste a test with FMU (my random thinking patterns). Ironically, over the past few cycles this is exactly my method of getting a good result. I randomly "feel" like taking a test, and bam. This is what I saw today.

Positive? or Almost?

Conclusion:
Inconclusive. I'm still left wondering and waiting. Perhaps this is positive or perhaps it is coming along soon, either way we'll be taking advantage of it just in case. Now I'm kicking myself that I didn't think to pop a digital opk just to confirm. Also scared that if I took a digital later today it would dash my hopes and read neg. So I'll err on the side of positivity and treat this as if it were a +opk and see what happens from here.

FF chart Jan 21-Feb 26th

As for my original questions.

I wonder if these long cycles are normal after a loss? 
I've heard everything from women who's cycles are back to normal first month after, to women who have to wait a year or two to get their cycles back in order. Those women are saints. I have no clue how they can wait so long, hoping and praying for a pregnancy without going completely bonkers. I send them all light and love for being such champs.

Is it my body trying to balance itself out? 
I hope so. I'd love to have my 35 day cycles back please. I know I cursed them as being too long, but I now appreciate them wholeheartedly. Please come back?

Is something wrong with me? 
I'm guessing the answer to this is a big fat no, but I'm also guessing it's natural to worry, especially when your doctor won't even test you after almost a year of trying with very odd cycles. Also reading all the horror stories online doesn't help at all! I need to stop reading.

Do women have healthy pregnancies from ultra long cycles?
I searched the chart gallery on fertilityfriend and came up with the answer of yes. Soem women had really ultra late (even cd70+) ovulations and went on to get a +hpt. I can only hope that those pregnancies were happy and healthy with beautiful healthy babies at the end.

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The Spirituality side of my coin.

I believe that there is a higher force in the universe which can grant our dreams if we work hard enough to attain them. Without going into a debate, or too much detail, I am faithful that the universe will provide.

Tonight I am attending a Tarot event at a friends place. The invitation spoke of Tarot readings, group healing, Yuen, energy work, and coaching, along with meditation and relaxation. I'm excited to see what my reading might say, what I can learn and to just be at peace, relax and take it all in with an open heart.

I'm bringing mini (baby) cupcakes (to go along with my positive energy for pregnancy and a future baby). Can't wait!!

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Hormones, You're fired!

I've been stressing lately about why my cycles are way more out-of-whack, in comparison to my previously normal, out-of-whack cycles. Which ironically is likely making my hormones worse.. FML.

My body the past two epic cycles seems to be trying to ovulate and either giving up or failing. If we weren't trying to have a baby then I'd be so pleased, as I could totally go for only 8-9 periods per year. Way less inconvenience! But for fertility that is horrible odds and torturous waiting times! Enough to drive someone completely bonkers! Namely me.

Here I sit on day 30-something (I've now lost track) and I don't believe ovulation successfully took place. FML. I don't know whether to laugh, to cry or to get outright angry. I'm a ball of mixed emotions and its harsh. It currently seems to take my body over 20 days to produce the first attempt and then..  nada. Really hormones? Could you get any crappier? I can't wait to leave this mess of hormones behind. Someday soon, I'll get them to regulate one way or another and I'll be normal. Aaahhhh..

[insert breath of fresh air here]

Yes, that's right. The power of positive thinking. I'm trying my best to relax (which, is way frigging harder than it sounds!). It's all in perception. I'm generally a very positive person and look for the silver lining in everything I do. I take life lessons from my experiences and try not to repeat the same mistakes. This is not something I can control. Not something I can learn to do better next time. It's out of my hands. It's exciting, rip-your-hair-out, happy-dancing, smash-something, love-filled and scary all at once. each time I catch myself worrying I remind myself that I have no control over this and to think a positive thought.

Admittedly, after a few months you do get scarred. I don't yet know how to come back from being slightly jaded. I guess I'll figure it out once we're pregnant and I look back and think "That wasn't so bad." Pffft! Yeah right! What I do know, is that the end goal is worth all of this pain and suffering.

I read something uplifting today that made me all kinds of emotional.

"Believe, Conceive, Receive"

Three powerful little words. A shimmer of hope in the vast darkness of fertility.

Can you tell I've been more emotional lately than normal? I even cried at an SPCA commercial for the poor animals. Some music has been making me teary as well. I don't know what is up with me. Stress? I feel the emotions at work as anger and then the next minute I want to just bawl my eyes out. I'm currently very frustrated at myself, at my body, at the universe. My BBT are just over 36 degrees and holding. Bleh. The waiting is getting annoying to say the least... So hormones, whatever the heck you're doing, you'd better kick your ass into gear next cycle or else!

I am Slowly Going Crazy..

I am slowly going crazy
1-2-3-4-5-6-switch.

This past weeks +opk was promising. The very slow rise in temps was not. Finally hit 36.35, which is an okay but not great LP temp, on Sunday. I was expecting it to keep on rising or jump. Instead I got a huge fall to 36.02 and so I retook it instantly and got 36.12. Both crappy temps. I did realize one thing this morning however, I sleep with my mouth open. Perhaps this is a part of the confusing temps I've been getting... hmm. When I took my temp a third time, without moving from bed and in another way (details excluded), it read 35.33 degrees.

So once again, all I can do is wait, and hope, and beg, and wait some more.. It seems like I am waiting my life away.

The herbal regimen I'm now on seems to be okay so far. I'm interested to see how much extra time it will add to my morning routine. I guess I'm waking up extra early tomorrow seeing as I am not a morning person in the least, so I'll need ample time to prepare. I'm very hopeful that it is working as it should and making me healthy and strong. I'd love to get some pregnancy signs soon-ish. I'd take tiredness, nausea, sore BBs or whatever my body needs to endure in order to have a healthy pregnancy!

I know that we will get our dreams of a family someday but right now my impatience is driving me crazy!

Crazy going slowly am I
6-5-4-3-2-1 switch.

To O, or not to O?

That is the question.

Wednesday I finally got a +OPK, a smiley face on the digital. Yay! I was so excited to get my LH surge! It was CD27 but whatever, that's much better than CD46 like last cycle! Thursday I tested again and it was negative.. so I'm now waiting for a temp spike. Two days later and still nothing. My temps have not spiked to indicate ovulation. *Sad panda*. I don't know what is going on with me. So frustrating. I've read that O can be 12-72 hours after the LH surge. I keep on hoping that tomorrow my temps will shoot towards the sky.

Yesterday afternoon I went to meet with a naturopathic doctor and it was a nice sigh of relief to have someone who listens and is going to help me to regulate my hormone levels. He gave me chaste tree to boost progesterone (which I was already taking vitex - same thing but mine was low grade). He gave me fish oil and told me to keep taking my omega 3s. He gave me herbal drops which I take three times per day to improve my overall health and he gave me a multi vitamin powder which I'm to mix up and take as breakfast for the next month. I'm hopeful that these methods will quickly improve my fertility, but I do understand that it may take some time for natural methods to work. At this point I'll take anything as long as it gets me healthy for a pregnancy. I return to see him in a month or when I'm pregnant. Hoping to see him in about two weeks...

I was pretty confident this week about a BFP this cycle, but now, because of low temps, I'm wavering. Second guessing yourself sucks. Did I really O? Geez I hope so. This TTC is a rollercoaster that I'd like to get off of soon.

High Reading!

This morning upon waking my BBT was quite elevated. 36.41 degrees to be exact, which is very high for me during my follicular phase. Actually, its the highest temperature I've ever seen in the FP and comparable to the temperatures I'd normally see in my luteal phase! I'm hoping that this is a positive sign of things to come. Perhaps my LP this cycle will be nice and strong with high temps which stay up for 9 months.

The tracking website I use, fertilityfriend.com, thinks that due to increasing temperatures over the past three days, ovulation occurred last Thursday... So it quickly added cross hairs onto my chart, and thinks that I am currently 3 dpo. This would be all nice and well, accept.. my fertility monitor and OPKs have all said either "low" or "no" for the past 15 days, since I began testing. I'd been thinking that my monitor was broken, since normally it is supposed to give low readings, then high and finally peak.

Then this morning, my hopes turned around. My monitor showed a "high" reading! I know that this is not yet a pregnancy but it does feel like a win. It is so wonderful each cycle to know that your body is working as it should. Ovulation positives always make me feel like everything is going to be okay. I get so excited to see the tiny smiley face on the OPKs. It's such a huge relief. I still have not been fortunate enough to see the smile this cycle, and I am hoping that the high reading will lead to a smiley face in the next couple of days!

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and it would be a very nice gift to begin a pregnancy on such a love filled day indeed.

HPT Breathalyser

Monday came, and then went. I am happy to report that work has been a smooth return. I have had two wonderful days, even with the traffic jams from the massive amounts of snow we've been getting. (I get to wear my winter clothes yay!) I love winter and I love winter jackets.. They're like my version of a shoe addiction.

I haven't gone into the lab to get my blood work done which the walk-in doctor asked for. I'm pretty confident that this one will return the same results as last month, so I'm not in a hurry to get it done. I figured I'd wait until the TWW this cycle, since he checked off the box for an hCG test on the sheet.

Rant Warning: Is it seriously this difficult everywhere in Canada to get hormone and/or pregnancy blood testing? It's starting to feel like these tests are rationed like precious gems and only given out in specially regulated circumstances to the elite classes. I've even had the thought that it would be nice to be able to take my own home blood tests for hormones and pregnancy. Perhaps it will be the future of OTC fertility, "Clear Blue Fertility Blood Test". I can just see the lawsuits now.. Perhaps some other amazing technology will come along like a HPT breathalyser. Now I've just gone off on a tangent. Getting back to talk about doctors...

I did get a tip from a good friend today for a naturopathic doctor. I booked an appointment next Thursday to meet him and see if perhaps he can help me to balance my hormone levels naturally through supplements. At the present, I am only guessing and trying to use vitamins to regulate. I refuse to take medications unless it's the last resort for most anything. However, I'm no expert, so clearly any natural assistance methods are positive in my books! By the time I go to my appointment I am hoping that I've ovulated and am a couple of dpo with nice high temps and maybe even a pregnancy symptom or three.

So far this cycle is on CD19 and still reading "low" on my Clear Blue Fertility Monitor, which is a bit discouraging, but I'm praying for ovulation before or around valentines day. I keep saying how much I'd love a November baby, so this is a golden opportunity. Now to get my body to cooperate with me! I've also taken a few OPKs but they're still negative for now too. My BBT is ranging in the follicular phase from 35.9 to 36.2C which is better than I've had any cycle previously. I'll take it as a good sign.

I'm in a positive mood this cycle. Only a tad bit nervous that I might have a repeat of the last epic cycle, or that a trend is forming and my next cycle will be even more epically long! I truly hope not!! Come on body, I've almost always treated you well. I know you haven't had to regulate your own hormones for many years and that you didn't get much practice in the first place. I imagine it's hard work to do, now that you've gotten quite used to having a pill do all the work for you, but I need you to work properly now. Give me one great cycle to work with and I'll let you take the next 9 months off from this routine. Instead, you can nurture a pregnancy. Wouldn't that be nice?

My DH told me the other day that he has a good feeling about this cycle. I don't know if he's just saying that to give me hope and make me feel all fuzzy and warm, or if he truly has that intuition feeling this time, but it's working either way. I like that he wants a child as much as I do. He's going to make a wonderful dad. Our family could really use some tiny humans right about... 9 months from now.. Perhaps the stars will align, and we will close off this cycle with a beautiful positive after all.

A Second Opinion

I've noticed, more lately, my GP doctors' lack of effort to help in anything related to fertility. We've been actively trying to concieve since last August, but not preventing now for almost ten months. I know this is not a very long time in the ttc world, and that it takes normally a year or two to for a healthy pregnancy and child. If my cycles were normal or regular then I wouldn't be concerned.

I started taking BBT in September after I'd read the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". I'm of the mind that if you don't help yourself then no one else can.

Over the last 5 months I have had 3 cycles. They were about 35 days on average with a very laye ovulation on days 22 & 25, with a pregnancy loss. I had been wondering if my cycles (and therefore hormones) were out of whack because of taking BCP for years. Last cycle proved to me that something is amiss. 57 days and ovulation on day 47 can not be normal.

I tried to speak to my doctor about it back in August when I had weird cycles, then again in October after our loss in the hopes thst she would or could help. She said she would test my hormone levels in January if we were not pregnant by then. In January I was off work on stress leave for a few weeks and I brought up the subject again. Her reply? We'll test you sometime in the spring. Really? [Insert choice words here]. Not acceptable.

Today I went to a walk-in clinic for a second opinion. The doctor there gave me a blood test requisition for standard blood testing, thyroid, hcg and the normal screening. He said they would call me if anything came up as an issue and that they could refer me to a specialist for hormonal testing (and my DH for S&A) if we weren't pregnant soon. He also reassured me that because I had gotten pregnant before it would likely happen again. I will hope that I do not have a progesterone issue and that my next pregnancy will be happy and healthy. I realize that this doctors' answer wasn't much different from the first answer I got but it was much more reassuring and nice to know someone is listening.

I'm going to stay positive and do what I can to balance my hormones through vitamins, and taking care of myself. I go back to work on Monday after a few weeks on leave. I am hopeful that it will be a positive experience and will help to pass the time, until we do get our baby.

On a very positive note, our good friends had their first baby on January 29th! He was supposed to be a groundhogs day baby, but he came out early. So this means an early spring? He's a healthy little guy and we are so overjoyed for their family. It brings excitement that someday we will have our own little healthy bundle of joy.