So round two of +opks came and then went. No temperature spike on my chart. I'm stumped. TKO'd. Last weeks blood testing came back and today I went in to see the walk-in clinic doctor again to get the results (which, by the way I forgot to get a copy of) and to ask if there was anything we could do about these ridiculous cycles.
The labs came back "normal" as the doctor put it. I didn't get a copy and don't know the exact numbers but for now I'll trust that his version of normal is also what it says online. I'm not that much of a control freak. yet. hah. I noticed on the requisition form that he tested me for prolactin and TSH or FSH I cant recall which, along with a bunch of other things like fasting glucose. It's good to know that those hormones are in line. The only thing that came back a bit off was my liver enzymes. He said it could have been from fighting an infection, and just to be sure he gave me a new form to get blood work done again in three weeks, around the beginning of April. I told him that today was day 43 and no sign of ovulation. So he gave me another form, this one is for a pelvic ultrasound to rule out anything there. So I'm hopeful that they will be able to see that my tubes and ovaries are all well and good. I have an appointment for Tuesday/day 47.
Other than long cycles that seem to last forever (a trend I'd prefer to not continue), I'd say I am in great health and am taking my vitamins and trying to take good care of myself through diet and rest. I could do with some more exercise, but couldn't we all?
I haven't yet solved the mental block I am experiencing with TTC. Why do I not just trust that everything is perfect? I guess the long cycles give me pause. I'm doing some soul searching right now and trying to let go of control. Once I can achieve that I know we will get our forever BFP.
[Begin Rant]
It's easy for people who have children to say "Relax.", "Stop thinking about it and it will happen.", "My cousins friends, cousin [insert random distant relative here] did that and as soon as they relaxed and stopped trying, they got pregnant." I hear this advice so often and it makes me want to scream. The people who say these things obviously have zero clue what it is like and can not empathize in the least. Why do they continue to give advice having never been in this situation?
First off, If you have never had a loss, or had to try to conceive for a long period of time, you don't have any clue what you're talking about. You cant even comprehend the suffering, so please keep your comments to yourself. We know that you are trying to help, but it's actually just making us realize that you don't know squat. I can tell you that it is not that simple to just give up and let go. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but sometimes, just sometimes I wish I could tap into people's heads and show them what this side of TTC is really like. It would blow their tiny little minds.
Secondly, that person who conceived so easily after "stopping trying" likely just got so discouraged and beaten down by failure, that they had no choice but to give up and move on with their lives thinking that they would never get to experience the wondrous gift of having their own children. It likely seemed to happen fast, to everyone else, but I'd bet that for the person affected, it was a nightmarishly long time. There remains a hope inside us that will not falter. This hope makes it so that each time you see or hear a child, or hear anyone talk about any child, all the longing floods back in and you are thinking about your own future children. This happens multiple times in any given day. It is not an obsession, but rather completely and utterly unavoidable and normal. You can not stop this anymore than you can stop breathing.
[End Rant]
As for me, I believe that there is nothing wrong with me reproductively. I think it is just a case of hormones trying to find a balance after being on BCP for 16 years, and then having a pregnancy which through my hormones into an even further unbalance. On one hand, I am a bit weary of medications like Clomid and really don't want to have to take anything in case of side effects. On the other, I am simply impatient and if I can get medical help to speed things along I will. Ultimately, I desire a family and that I am willing to become a science experiment if required in order to fulfill a dream. Who knows we may get twins that way - a whole other dimension.
I'll keep plugging along naturally on only herbs and vitamins until I am told that I need to do anything else. I know our little ones are waiting in the universe to come to us. I'm excited to meet them and teach them, love them and care for them. I sometimes let myself dream about future little ones and sit in the spare room thinking that someday it will be filled with an abundance of love and light.
Occasionally I do step back from this process and think about why I'm in a rush. For my family? For myself? I enjoy my life with DH, and we realize it will require a big change on our parts, but we are ready and open to learn a new dynamic. Even if it is scary and unknown right now. Our time will come, and I am slowly making peace with the fact that this is something which can not be controlled.
Right now it may feel like we're fighting in a boxing match, but we're going to win this fight! Soon I will get that intuition feeling again and know that our lives are changing forever for the better.
