I've been going up and down a lot in the past year and every time I think we're on the right track, I get beaten down by bad news. I really didn't think that TTC would be this emotional and difficult. I lived in a happy world full of rainbows and babies and happy pregnancies. I never would wish this side of life on anyone, yet I know that there are so many women out there who have been to this side of the tracks, and it is not as beautiful as one would like to believe. It seems as though the more people I talk to the more hardship I learn is out there and it seems as though almost every couple I know is having, or has had, TTC difficulties. It leaves you to ponder the question, "Why?"
On one hand it is nice to know that we are not completely alone in this. One of my friends told me that she has PCOS also and they have a new and healthy child so that brings me hope. Some are struggling like me to find answers. A number of others have told me stories of fertility treatments. Some with beautiful miracle babies and that is also hopeful, yet quite scary at the same time. It is the unknown, the feeling like maybe it will never happen for us that I am constantly fighting off, and it is slowly wearing me down.
I have heard from people close to us that they've had dreams of us with our own little girl and this only brings tears to my eyes. Tears of joy, relief, tears of pain and hope and longing. I will be so relieved to finally be able to just see a fertility specialist and I hope that they can live up to my expectations of them. I can't even fathom the feelings I will have the day we find out we're pregnant, or for that matter to even be able to believe that we have a healthy, happy pregnancy. It all just seems like a dream, so very far out of reach. All of those emotions will pale in comparison to the day we finally bring home our very own bundle of joy and what a joy it will be. Please excuse me all, if I cry for the first 18 years of my babies' lives!
Where we are at now seems like just the very tip of the beginning of this journey, and the massive scale of it if this point has taken us a year to achieve is incomprehensible to me. I'm hoping that the specialist I get will take the time to listen to my symptoms and my story. That they will be empathetic and be able to bring us our dreams. I hope that they will quickly prescribe medication to get my body back into perfect working order. I really am so very tired of waiting.
The past year I spent so much time waiting. Waiting to get my cycles back. The waiting to see if I was ovulating. Waiting and pleading with the universe to let my child grow and then waiting helplessly while we endured a loss. Watching to see my cycles progressively get longer and farther apart, was and still is, heartbreaking. Now I'm waiting to see someone who will hopefully be able to help us. It is most frustrating to be trapped inside a body which is not working properly.
I read about the medications, Metformin, Femera and Clomid, and I think perhaps one of these will help. Everyday lately has been a struggle. I wait. I think about how this past year was completely wasted waiting, only to find out that I could have saved myself the heartache and troubles if only my GP would have done her job and listened, tested. I try not to harbour anger towards that GP. It is truly hard not to place blame. I can't go back and change the past. I can only wait for my future.
I would love for our dreams to come true. I know now, that because of the struggles and hardships we have endured, that we will be wonderful parents who never take life for granted and always appreciate the small things. We will be parents to beautiful souls and I know they are out there someplace.
