My Very Own Monitor

I'm ready for some positivity in my life and am trying my hardest to keep my chin up. Today I went out searching for a Clear Blue Fertility Monitor. You'd think they'd be easy to find. Not so much. I went to 5 different stores. Shoppers, London Drugs, Walmart, Safeway, Superstore. All either didn't have it in stock or had it locked behind the pharmacy counter which was closed. Finally I broke down in a fit of defeat and called ahead to find a monitor in stock. With a 40 minute return drive, and a small fortune, I secured a monitor of my very own. Yay.

I'm pretty excited about having a new gadget. Even if it is a small machine that you insert pee sticks into. I haven't read the directions just yet, but am led to believe that you are supposed to set it on CD1. Well today is CD4 so I'm hoping it will still work for me and just be skewed by 4 days. I plan to read up on it before going to sleep tonight. Plus I'm not overly worried as I believe (according to OPKs and BBT) that I've been ovulating really late. Like day 22, day 25 and day 46 kind of late. So I'm pretty sure four days won't make a huge difference on the monitor. I've heard it shows you a little graphic of an egg on the most fertile days. So cute. I can't wait to see one.

This cycle (which, I am sincerely hoping is not 57 days long, but rather a normal 30 range) I will be using the monitor as well as left over OPKs. I know it's a bit of a waste but I really don't want to miss it this time around. I hope that the smiley face will coincide with the words "high" and /or "peak" on the monitor. I will also be taking my BBT as per usual and plotting my data into graphical forms. Seriously, does anyone else get excited about charts and graphs? Or am I completely bonkers? I love seeing the visual aids.

I will post my findings throughout the days and weeks to come as they unfold. Wish me luck!

AF or Jedi Mind Tricks

I haven't really been having many early pregnancy 'symptoms'. Nothing much but a bfn at 7 and again at 9dpo. I'm not sure exactly why I tested at 7dpo. I knew even if I would be pregnant that 7dpo is far too early. I guess I just wanted to make sure that if it truly was bfn after almost 60 days of waiting, that I'd be able to handle it alright.

As for the test at 9dpo, I was hoping the earlier post from the psychic (see below) was correct and that January 19th meant something positive for us. Well if it did, I am not yet aware of it. It was a clear bfn as I mentioned. Plus my temperature dropped a little bit, so I can't lie that did have me a bit disheartened today.

So, that leaves me with speculating the only symptoms I'm feeling are a bit of a fluttery full feeling lower belly. Gas perhaps? I did make, and eat homemade chili today. A bit of pulling on my belly button (although possibly imagined or also from gas), but mostly just the feeling of small cramps like maybe AF is trying to show up? I wish there was an easy way to tell right at conception if it worked or not. Take out all of the stressing and guessing. If only we were that technologically advanced.

Tomorrow will be 10dpo after all and it seems that based on past charting, my body may think that a 10 day LP is the norm. I wont be super surprised if AF shows her ugliness, as long as she knows she's going to need to take an extended vacation here really soon.

I'm hoping that my bbt in the morning will be back higher again and I'll be left to wonder for a longer time yet. Wish me luck and prayers. We'll keep on waiting as long as it takes for our own little miracle.

Next Day Edit: Temp drop again and now my chart is looking sadly like AF may be showing up soon. We did everything right this cycle so I guess if it doesn't happen for us, we're just not in the 20% for pregnancy this time around. Let's hope the next cycle isn't nearly as long!

Still in the Dark

"Time goes by so slowly", to quote Madonna. Today is CD53. I 'think' that O-day was January 10th, due to a +OPK the day before, though my FF chart seems not to be cooperating. No crosshairs. All I can do is cross my fingers and hope that this weird cycle isn't all for naught. Perhaps a lovely life will come out of this oddness. One can hope.

I am trying my very best to stay relaxed and try not to worry or let baby fever consume my thoughts, but it is very difficult indeed. Plus on top of it all I've been under a lot of stress lately and am dealing with that. I just want to be healthy and have a happy healthy baby. I don't think that's too much to ask really.

I see my doctor tomorrow afternoon and I'm planning to show her my charts, talk to her about how long they are, and see if she can help prior to a "year of TTC or three MCs" as she put it previously. We've been TTC since May 2010 and actively since August 2010. So that would put us at 6 months TTC in Feb. The least the doctor could do is to give me a blood test to check my hormone levels and also perhaps check for any hCG.

I took a HPT this morning and BFN. If I am correct with my calculations, then I'm only 7dpo and too early to test but I figured I'd get the bad news out of the way so later this/next week I can get some positive news. *smile* I do feel generally more tired and have slight cramps, but no other significant signs. My tummy feels different, (perhaps like the first time I was pregnant in October, but I can't be totally sure) and I'm hoping it' not AF faking me out. Time will tell. Yes, the same time that is ticking by like years..

Confused Ramblings

I had thought things were finally looking up, ovulation had occurred and we were on our way to getting a positive result. I still hold out hope, but am confused just as much now as I have been for the past few weeks. My temperature charting looks like a bad joke and even with a positive OPK and CM to verify, my temp didn't seem to spike after Jan 9/10th like I'd have expected. I was so excited to get the +OPK and now so let down that my temps haven't spiked up to show a bi-phasal chart. Instead the slow rise continues. Leaving me perplexed as to what exactly is going on.

This cycle is 50 days long today, and very abnormal for me. All I can do is wait, and hope that my temps spike, or I breakdown eventually and take a HPT, with a positive result. I wonder if anyone's gotten a BFP with this type of temps. I mean there must be someone out there who has. Not everyone takes BBT right? My chances are fair? I'm now grasping straws.

My only other thought is that maybe my temps are low due to a progesterone issue. I really hope not and have no idea why I would even think that. I must have read it someplace. See what reading does? It make you paranoid. But after all, I'm a worrier. I'd thought about calling a friend of mine who is a doctor and asking her for her opinion, but I'm not sure that there'd be much she could tell me. Besides there's no way to know without blood testing and my doctor currently refuses to test me for anything. Upsetting? Very. 

I'm trying to stay positive and hope that I've had a BFP for awhile now and just missed it on the one HPT I did take on Jan 3rd. Which would have been only 8 days past the beginning of this slow climb in temps. Assuming I ovulated back then.. but then why'd the OPK show positive on Jan 9th? I'm only 5dpo if I use Jan 9th. I can do this. I can hold out and test at 14dpo if AF hasn't shown up by then. January 23rd feels so far away! Fingers crossed that my temps keep on climbing up there. Strong and steady.

The waiting and worrying day to day is excruciating. I may break down and take a HPT tomorrow with FMU. Would be a bit disheartening if it were a BFN though. And I assume it would be based on the Jan 9th OPK. I see my doctor for other reasons next Tuesday and perhaps I'll find a way to bring it up then and ask again for blood testing. Maybe if I show her this cycle's chart..

I guess it all boils down to the fact that I'd feel much more at ease if my temperatures were higher. Then at least I'd know the ovulation was real and not just my body trying to ovulate. 

Currently, I don't feel like AF is coming soon. I feel like my belly has this full feeling, bloating, a bit higher up and toward the left side. A bit like when we got our BFP in October, but again I don't want to get my hopes up. I'm not tired like I was then. I've been staying up late and haven't felt nauseas. My BB's don't hurt. At this point, I'd gladly endure the worst pregnancy symptoms, just have a healthy full-term pregnancy.

Thanks to those of you who've read this far in my rantings and who think I'm not a total wack-job for feeling this way. Please send as much baby dust and positive thoughts our way as you can spare.

Happy Face, Happy Dance

The cycle continues.. I haven't been tracking much of anything lately, other than temperature, and what a roller coaster it has been. Mostly due to a high amount of stress lately. Or at least that's what I am attributing it to. Occasionally I've noted CM and position but not regularly by any means. Honestly, I don't know what I'm looking for, or how to tell the differences from day to day and that's not reliable or accurate. I was using OPKs in the fall before our loss, but the little pink lines were quite difficult to interpret, so I tossed those. 

I woke up this morning had a random urge to take an OPK. I took my first digital OPK this past week and it was a big empty circle - meaning nada. I can tell you first hand that digital OPKs are the way to go! No messing around with silly lines and playing guessing games. Just a simple POAS and bam, it tells you clearly whats going on. I have discovered a new POAS confidence.

Skipping along to this afternoons OPK, which I am happy to report, pleasantly had a smiley face. LH surge! Whew! My body is learning to cooperate with me! Happy dance. CD45 and a nice change of pace. So I am hoping to catch this eggie and that it will be a viable, healthy one, even with being released so late into my cycle. I am filled with happiness with the knowledge that I am ovulating. Ahh so nice to say. 

Happy Face!

For anyone wondering what a positive OPK looks like on the inside of a digital stick, see the photo below. The lines are not the same by any means, but the test was a happy face positive. 

In my obsession (two weeks ago), I looked up charts on fertilityfriend which had pregnancies with late/delayed ovulations. It was really nice to see pregnancies which occurred on late ovulations. Some in the 40 CD's, some in the 60's and even one in the 70's. A few indicated "pregnant with a boy/girl". I take that to mean they were born healthy and happy. Good to know I am not alone in this weirdness which we call cycles. I now forever refuse to call them "months" as I have never had a natural cycle in one calendar month. 

Best wishes for all of those out there in the world desiring to be mothers. With all of this motherly love floating around, it can only draw positive energy to our lives.

This is the song that never ends..

Hi again. It's now CD39 and no sign of AF no sign of O-day. I'm beginning to question my body, question if I should be calling my doctor to go in for a second opinion. But I have a feeling I know what she would say. "Wait a few more cycles as it can take up to a year for AF to regulate/to get pregnant/etc." She told me it isn't necessary to temp unless something is wrong. I temp anyway. I'm a bit of a control freak in case anyone hasn't already noticed. *grin*

Yesterday, just out of sheer confusion from this wacky cycle, I took a HPT with FMU. It was negative. No big shocker. So I'm left wondering what the heck is going on. All I can hope for is AF to come soon or at the very least an O spike in my temps. My chart this cycle is definately curious. There's been a slow rise over the past few days, but nothing over my coverline. So I hold out a small spark of hope. If nothing changes in a few days I may make an appointment with the doctor anyhow. That will surely get AF to show up!

I also had a psychic reading done and was quite pleased with the results I received yesterday. If nothing else, they give me hope and a bit of peace for the future to come. Here's what she said:

"As I tune in I want to say where I'm being drawn to this month for you, which is January, now they keep talking about the 19th so I feel this date will be an important one for you. I want to say that I feel very drawn to a wee boy for you, and also three more to follow, two boys and one girl, I want to mention where I also feel that there will be one multiple birth or births very very close together in a sense. I want to mention where I feel that there will be a birth linking to September, and I feel this is the first of them in a sense.

The first card is Peace Offering  

This is showing me where I feel that there is a wee bit of conflict around you and a partner at the moment, or a wee disagreement in a sense, I feel at times your personalities clash in a sense but I want to say where I feel that it does work though. I want to say where I feel that its also telling you that you have to relax a wee bit more, have some fun along the way on this journey and also see the funny side to the situation.

The second card is You are Seeing the Situation Accurately

This is showing me where you are to trust any feelings that you are having about your current situation as they are accurate and very much valid, I feel you have to go with your intuition. You are being told to do what you feel is right at the moment, an also being told to avoid any situation that cause you to feel awkward or stressed in a sense, look more after number one at the moment.

The last card is Open your Heart to Love 

Again it’s mentioning a situation around you, I don't know what's going on but I do feel there is a few niggles around you at the moment, involving other people. I want to say also where I feel this is signifying so much love that you have to give an the love that will be coming into your life in the way of these children, I want to offer you good luck and encouragement for the future ahead."