Professional Opinions

Yesterday, I decided to try acupuncture for the first time. I'd heard that it can help to regulate cycles, with relaxation, blood flow and fertility in general. I was surprised that the needles didn't hurt and that they were so very tiny. I definitely noticed something, maybe increased blood flow, although as of yet I am not sure what it was. We will see in a few sessions if it works as promised. The acupuncturist did a thorough patient history and when discussing trying to conceive she dropped a bit of an unexpected recommendation. She told me not to try to conceive for at least one full cycle, two was recommended, to allow my body to get back to normal after the loss. Although as of yet I am not sure what normal looks like. [insert jokes about me being "normal" here]. I hope to know in the next couple of months!

Later that evening, I went to see my medical doctor regarding my experience. I got to the clinic early and as the nurse was escorting me to the room, she says, "Are you here to confirm your pregnancy?" All I could do was cry. *sigh* Luckily, I didn't have to wait very long. The doctor was really supportive. We had a talk about all of my concerns and she answered all of my worried and random first-time-pregnancy-type questions. She also recommended that we should wait two cycles to try to conceive again. She said the incidence of miscarriage is greatly increased if you try again right after a loss, and that the more losses you have the higher the risk. That's pretty scary! I had no idea. So my plan is now to wait it out and around Christmas hopefully two cycles will be completed. Then we can pick ourselves up and move forward.

The doctor also sent me for blood tests, one of which I took today. The second one is on Friday, to make sure the hCG is gone or going down in my system. I'll get the results Friday afternoon. So begins the two cycle countdown.

The Waiting Game

I'm beginning to feel as if this trying to conceive thing is all a waiting game. A game of tactics and skill, of timing and luck.

You wait until AF is over, then you wait until ovulation, then you wait again 2 more weeks (aka the dreaded two week wait) until either a) AF comes back and you begin all over, or b) if you've been successful and have a positive home pregnancy test. That's just the very tip of the iceberg, once you actually do conceive then you've got to hope its viable and that it will be healthy. It's all very nerve wracking.

I've read about various methods of trying, when to try, when not to try, how much to try. I've read about methods of tracking, temperatures, ovulation kits, and counting the days. I've read about chemicals, products, vitamins to consume, and random magical acts that are supposed to help you to conceive such as prayer, spells and positive thinking. I've read about procedures such as aromatherapy, chiropractic, acupuncture and acupressure all supposedly to help you have the baby of your dreams.

I'm not really sure what to think. Who knew trying to conceive was this complicated? In school they always taught us how not to get pregnant and then when you actually do want try, you're left confused and overwhelmed by all of the information. The advice everyone gives is to "Relax. It will happen when it is supposed to happen". Who knows maybe they are right, but it is much easier said than done when it's your future on the line.

I've noticed from talking to many women, who have tried for months or even years, that babies are not easy to come by. Yes, there are those who conceive right away first time with no complications, but they are quite rare. Most of the women I've talked to had to try for a long time to get pregnant. I'm also noticing how rare it seems to be to keep a pregnancy once you do get a positive home pregnancy test. This is the part where there are no books on "How to". In fact, I couldn't find any information at all for the stage in between getting a positive test and having your doctor confirm it with an ultrasound, sometimes weeks later. There are so many unanswered questions and so few reliable resources.

It seems that pregnancies overall are not easy to come by, and keep, and nurture full term. This gives me a great appreciation for the babies who are born each day and the miracles that they really are. I know our own little miracle will happen someday. Maybe even two or three in time, if we are lucky enough. I also know that we will appreciate them all the more for having to learn all of this on our own. It really opens your eyes to how little you can control and how big this process really is.

The way I figure, this is all a big chess game, and you need to make the right move, with the right pieces in place, at the right time. All while keeping your cool relaxed state of mind. Who knew it would be a skills test?

Wish us luck, prayers, and baby dust!

I found this quote and wanted to remember it's strength. It made me teary eyed to read it.

""There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed them and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won. 

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. 
I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother." 

Very Rocky Week

I thought this was it. I tried not to get excited until a doctor could confirm for us. 17 days past ovulation and 4 weeks 3 days along. This week I figured something was not right. I just "knew". I'd been overly worrying all week, even more than normal. I'm sure I drove DH crazy. I woke up around 9am, and took my temperature, which showed a 0.2 degree drop. Not good news. I took two HPTs right away and they both came back negative. I'd lost the baby.

Well, really I like to think of it as losing a ball of cells, because I understand that at this point it was not yet a baby. The disappointment of not having a "June Bug" and not being able to surprise our families at Christmas with the good news is the hardest part to take. We did get excited even though we tried not to, and the let down has left a hole. I can't even imagine the love I'd feel for a birthed baby if I feel this way about one just at the spark of life. Our baby will be well loved. Someday.

I spent some time today reading about "chemical pregnancies". Basically any pregnancy that you have prior to having an ultrasound is considered a chemical pregnancy and they are very common. 50-60% of pregnancies apparently end this way, just normally, its early enough that the mom never knows its happened. Doesn't make me feel any better but at least it's not rare and I'm pretty sure I have nothing reproductively wrong with me. We now know that we can get pregnant and I will hold onto that glimmer of hope.

I'm hoping that my body can bounce back to normal hormone levels and that we will have a healthy baby baking soon. For now we'll keep on trying and hope for the best. I see my doctor on Tuesday and am hoping that she can help to decrease my cycle length somehow, or perhaps she will put me on vitamin B6 and baby aspirin. I've read that these can prevent a chemical pregnancy. I just read it too late..

So please wish us luck for the next long cycle of waiting and testing. Hopefully with any good karma we'll have a wonderful secret to hold onto over the Christmas holidays, and good news to share by Valentine's day.

The Beginning

Cycle One ~ May 1-Aug 7

At the end of April 2010 we decided to ditch the birth control pills in an attempt to get my cycles back in order after 16 years on Loestrin. I was nervous about what the pills could have done to my natural hormone balance. I had aunt flo(AF) on May 1st. I had heard that it can take awhile to get back to regular. Well, a very long wait of 99 days finally came to an end on August 8th. I had my first natural cycle. I was excited just to know my body was getting back on track.

Cycle Two ~ Aug 8 -Sept 11

I needed to determine if I was ovulating. I bought an ovulation predictor kit(OPK) to check the LH levels in my system and waited for day ten, like the instructions said to do. In the meantime, we left for our honeymoon in Europe. I tried to keep up testing with the OPKs each morning. After about a week of negatives I stopped testing, thinking we could try again next month as I must've missed the mark, or I wasn't ovulating yet. We enjoyed the rest of our trip and tried not to worry about cycles, babies or ovulation. Near the end of our trip, in Austria I got a very bad

UTI. My cycle began in the middle of that same night. It was 35 days long.

Cycle Three ~ Sept 12 - ??

Cycle three began on September 12th. I tested again with the OPKs and received negative day after day. Until on October 3rd I saw a second line! It did not match the control line but I was quite happy to see it anyway. Sorry the photo is a bit blurry. The control line is on the right and the positive LH line is on the left.

We were so happy and took it to mean that I was going to ovulate this cycle. I re-tested again on October 4th and got another positive LH reading. The line was a bit darker this time. The control line is on the right and the positive LH line is on the left. It was a great couple of days.

Guessing by my previous cycle of 35 days I took it to mean that my next cycle should begin on October 17th, or if it were late, maybe October 19th. October 17th is DH's birthday and we thought it would be quite fun to test on his birthday and maybe get a positive. So we decided to take a First Response Early Response(FRER) home pregnancy test(HPT) early in the morning and waited the three whole long minutes... for a faint light pink second line.

BFP!

I retook the same FRER test early the next morning, October 18th for the exact same result, a faint pink second line. I called my doctors office and made an appointment for a week away(October 26th) hoping that by then the hCG levels will be strong and we will get some great news. I still could not believe it so on the morning of October 19th I took a First Response Digital test and it also came back positive. The tests from what I've read can detect 20mIU and are the most sensitive available. The digitals are much easier to read, and much more fulfilling I have to say!

At this point we think that we might actually have our dreams come true and be pregnant with our first baby. On my walk home from the bus that same evening, I had the not so brilliant idea to stop into my local doctors office to have them confirm my findings. I had just went to the bathroom an hour prior, when leaving the office, and could barely get anything into the cup for them to test. Then they proceeded to tell me that the test was negative. Sigh. I went home sad, worried and confused. I realized that the nurse could've made a mistake, or that there may not have been enough hCG in my system to get a positive. I'm hoping that it's too early to get a strong result.

This morning, October 20th, I took a third FRER(same as the first two) and it had a very faint pink line as well. Now I'm second guessing myself and wondering whats going on. Am I really pregnant? I'm also wondering if the line should be getting darker, because it hasn't, and I hope that is not a bad sign. AF has not arrived and I am on pins and needles waiting for either a confirmed positive (yay!) or a sad, sad day if AF does start.

DH says that no matter what we will get our baby. Either now or in the future. He stays so calm. I wish I could be so calm. I know that worrying doesn't help anything, but it's easier said than done to stop. Only time will tell I guess. Now the long wait until next Tuesday begins...