Feeling Better

Okay, so I am moving along and feeling much better now. My cold seems to be almost gone. I can eat again and food tastes good! I thought I'd maybe found a new "diet", but I guess I'm back to loving food. Oh well. More time working out at the gym I guess. I've been training with a personal trainer and loving it. I'm also doing cardio on my own at the gym on the treadmill.

We are now officially into camping season! We spent the long weekend camping for four days and loved it, even though there was a province wide fire ban. We still had a good time. We got a new toy hauler camper trailer this season (our first ever) and so not having to tent in the mountains is a whole new experience. We've got plans to go out each long weekend this summer and even weekends in between, with friends from the city and from the next province over. Looking forward to it!

Also we are going next wednesday to see U2!! We'd bought tickets last year but then the concert was cancelled and the tickets moved to this years date. Can't wait! After the concert we're going to spend a long weekend at my parents place at the lake. Hoping to be able to at least get in the water by then if not swim. I suspect it may still be awfully cold though beginning of June.

Lessons in Patience

I've been under the weather lately, fighting what seems to be a throat infection. Last week it hit me hard on Thursday and then seemed to have subsided. Until yesterday, when it felt as though someone was stabbing my throat with tiny daggers. Nothing brought relief. Food is tasting yucky too. I am starving and yet nothing seems appealing to me. Even oreos and cheese buns! (Okay, so those that know me well, probably think I am lost forever. I know! Even cheese buns! This is serious.) I slept away most of yesterday afternoon and drank orange juice, which was the only drink that gave me any relief at all.  So today is Thursday again and I'm sick at home. Bah.

Today is also 10dpo. I've been POAS for the past few days even though it is early to test. I had bought a bunch of ICs (Internet cheapies) for like 50 cents each online, so I figure it's not really a waste when you have 20-30 of them to burn. They don't say what sensitivity they are in mIUs. I also had one $store test left. They also don't indicate the sensitivity, but come with a tiny dropper sort of like a turkey baster, which is fun, in a mad scientist kind of way. Neither type seems to be very sensitive however. 8 & 9 dpo the tests were stark white, BFNs.

One great thing I am thankful for is that my cycle seems to be back to a normal length thanks to clomid, and possibly to metformin in combination. I was so happy to just see a chart that flows as it should for once! The FP wasn't too long (21 days) and the nurse at the fertility clinic said that ideally I'd ovulate closer to day 14, but beggars can't be choosers as my Mom would say. I'll take day 21! The alternative previously being day 77, so a vast improvement if I do say so myself.

Now to see how long my LP will be. So far I am really happy with my temperatures (hoping that they are not from being sick). They are the highest temperatures that I have had ever. 36.9's wow! Even my coverline is higher than ever. The LP seems to be almost a mirror image of itself so far, and is interesting to look at. As long as those temperatures stay up, I'll be pleased. I guess more waiting is in order. I'm getting really good at waiting... and working on my patience.

7dpo:1year later

One year has passed. It is hard to believe. I expected to be expecting by now. I expected to be nearly due. I look forward toasted June and hope that it will be kind to me.

I am on my first cycle of clomid (50mg) and it seems to have made a significant change to my cycle length. You can take three cycles and then must take a break for two cycles, then can do three more with clomid, for a total of six. After that it likely isn't going to help if it hasn't already.

I believe that 35 days was possibly my norm, but since November 2010 I've been fighting long cycles (57 & 88 days). Well I'm happy to report that clomid has helped with ovulation on cd21 and I am now in the TWW - or in my case the ten day wait.

It is currently 7dpo and I don't feel much of anything at all out of the ordinary. I've been more hungry lately but I'm also counting calories and working out three days a week for the 8-Week Challenge at Golds Gym.

I don't remember much about my symptoms from last October other than I became suddenly tired. I think that was around 9dpo but I can't be certain. Here's hoping that in two days time I'm super sleepy by 8pm. I do remember being surprised that the HPT was a BFP, so maybe I'll be surprised again.

I've done all I can to help myself this time around. I've taken clomid, metformin, baby aspirin and now progesterone. And of course as always, prenatals.

I am the curious type and I think my BFP was around 10 or 11dpo, so I may start testing Wednesday but will not be getting my hopes up.

At the same time, I am conflicted and think to myself, "Do I really want to know early after what happened last time?" I sometimes think I'd rather not know until I'm farther along just to hopefully spare myself and DH the pain if something were to go wrong again. How nice it would be to find out at 8weeks.

But we all know that curiosity killed the cat. So I'll likely test and deal with whatever life passes to me.

If it is meant to be, it will be.

Exciting Day!

Wednesday was a big day. We had a meeting the new doctor's office, an OB, at the regional fertility clinic!

We've been TTC over a year now and had been on a waiting list to get into the clinic for a few months. The doctor seemed to be a good one, who will be able to help.

Ideally we would like to try out the drug route first and the doctor was most accommodating. He was surprised that I'd found a GP to prescribe metformin and clomid. (I knew I did well in finding him). I have a six month rx for clomid 50mg and a standing order for P4 blood tests each cycle so that the fertility clinic can monitor my ovulation.

I went for my P4 draw yesterday so they could see if the 50mg clomid the GP gave me had worked. I haven't heard back yet as to what the results were. The OB nurse did say that cd21 was a later ovulation then they would like to see and that they would likely increase my dosage to 100mg in hopes for ovulation closer to cd14.

The scary part is knowing that my P4 from my last cycle was super low at only 11.8mmols. The OB says I don't need progesterone supplements. I've read that without adequate progesterone it is difficult to get pregnant and also difficult to keep the pregnancy. With an already increased chance of miscarriage (25%) due to PCO, this makes me quite nervous indeed. I think the OBs logic is that if you can achieve an adequate ovulation you will not need supplements.. Let's hope for the best.

They also scheduled me for an HSG next cycle (I've been told this can be painful) to which I was given prescriptions for two different medications. One for the pain to be taken the day of, 2 hours prior, and one which is to prevent infection that I'll be taking for 5 days. DH is also scheduled for an SA. Both of these tests will come back good, I am quite certain. Although it's always good to have our bases covered. Plus knowledge is power and one less thing we need to worry about.

I'd been a bit afraid that the OB was going to jump to extremes like some type of surgery, IVF, or that somehow they'd end up tying my tubes. I know, I know, crazy but after the year I've had with GPs it wouldn't have surprised me much. I'm planning to now default to the OBs expertise and trust that he knows what he is doing.

This week my FF chart got CHs and my temperatures seem to have gone way up. Yesterday's was 36.9c! Highest ever! I was also fighting a sore throat so I'm not sure but it could've had something to do with it. Todays temp was still fairly high and I started taking the progesterone supplements. Hoping that tomorrow mornings temperature (& the rest of this week/9 more months for that matter) will be high and solid.

Day for Mothers

So Mother's Day was pretty great, even though I am not a mother - yet. I've seen some posts online about how Mother's day make women who are TTC sad, angry. I can empathise with how they must feel. It is hard knowing that something you want so badly, is something that falls into other people's laps with little to no effort. Once a year I really like to appreciate my Mom, my Grandma, My Mother-in-Law, my mamma friends. Of course, I appreciate them way more often than this, but one day per year is all about them.

DH and I work up early on Sunday and got our workout gear on. We laced up our shoes and put our timing chips and numbers on. We headed down to one of the malls and proceeded to arrange ourselves in the crowd at the starting line, for the Mother's Day Walk & Run to support the local NICU and the tiny babies who need our help. Having never had a tiny premie baby (and hoping that I never know that pain myself) I figure it's the least we could do.

This was our first official run. We chose the 5k. The rain made it somehow more pleasant as we knew we wouldn't overheat, but the humidty was another story entirely. My asthma started acting up and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I took four puffs of my inhaler thoughout the race and was cursing my lungs for being so uncooperative. I kept thinking about all of those tiny babies and how someday they may never get to run a 5k themselves. So I kept on pushing. With my DH by my side we crossed the finish line together at 37:49. Not bad for no training before hand. We hope to beat our time in the next race we enter.

Can't help but think often about our own future children and keep on hoping that they are close to finding us. I think about decorating a room just for them. About buying them things that they might need. About holding them while they sleep, and comforting them when they cry. I think about our families finally being able to have new life within it. About our parents having a grandchild and my Grandmother finally getting to meet her very own great-grand baby. It's overwhelming. Both joyful and stressful. Like a lump in my throat type of choked up happy, scared feeling. I guess this is how you're supposed to feel when thinking about something this big.

It does seem to be getting more and more discouraging as time passes that maybe this wasn't meant for us. I've watched my step sister struggle through this type of thing for the past four years and all I can hope is for a good outcome for us both. I'm holding out hope still that this dose of clomid has actually done something, but am scared that this may be a repeat of last cycle. So far nothing has happened. That in itself is scary. Maybe I'm more broken than I previously thought. My body hates me. I've determined that. I just hope that there are healthy eggs somewhere inside of my tummy that will make a healthy child. I'm hoping once again for a temperature spike that may or may not show up. If not in the next two days, then likely this clomid has failed. I'm not sure I can mentally handle a repeat of another 87 day cycle.

Like a rollercoaster.. that which is my life.

We only have two more days to wait until we go in to see Dr Greene at the Fertility Clinic. It feels more like two years. The days are dragging by so very slowly. I feel as though I want to laugh at what we have been though this past year and cry at the same time. I feel like when they finally tell me I'm pregnant for real this time, I won't ever believe it. I may always hold back just that little bit and worry about protecting myself from any more pain. I do feel a sense of relief washing over me though, that soon we may be able to get some answers, be able to get pregnant, be able to have a healthy child (or three). I feel relief that we may actually get some help from a real doctor, who knows what they are doing. Then the worry kicks back in. The worries about getting not so good news, all of the "what ifs" come charging out like ghosts in a closet. I wonder occasionally who I was, or what I did in a past life to deserve this kind of personal anguish. Then I pick myself back up all over again and think that this is going to work. It has to.

Birthday!

My birthday yesterday was beautiful. I woke up to my DH and my birthday present beside me. He gave me a new lens for my camera. A telephoto lens which I have never had but have wanted now for a few years. After work, I went out to dinner with my DH and two of my girlfriends to Charcut and then to the ballet to see the Sarah Mclaughlin ballet. She was actually in attendance, which was nice to see. When we left it was raining. We got home at the end of the evening and my DH brought out home made chocolate cake that he had baked me. I love him so much. My birthday was perfect.

Today is CD20 and still no temperature rise on my chart. I was having mild cramping in my lower belly for about a week, but they seem to have subsided. All of the OPKs this cycle have been glaringly white, aka negative, up until today. On a whim, as it seems to happen often to me, I decided to take another OPK. Maybe my intuition is much stronger than I give it credit for. Finally a second line has appeared. It is not positive yet, but fairly close and I am hopeful that O will be in the next couple of days.

I've been trying to spend time working on myself lately. I've started back going to the gym after work quite a bit as a focus on my health. I'd love to be able to have a healthy pregnancy in all ways, so this is a small way to help myself. I'm planning to keep it up throughout my whole pregnancy to stay in the best shape I can.  I have also been going for relaxation massages and to reiki to improve my health and be more calm. So far they seem to be working as I do not seem to be as worried lately in comparison to earlier this year. I'm open minded to what good things the universe has in store for me. Reiki is the movement and flow of energy. From what I understand it is based on the principle that everything is energy. Both are very calming and I think may also help toward TTC.

We go to the fertility clinic in 4 more days time. I am excited to be moving forward towards our dreams of having a family of our own, and yet I am scared as this is a big step into the unknown. I'm also fearful that the news they give us after what may possibly be a long round of testing may be bad. I tend to prepare for the worst and hope for the best in most everything I do in life. I'm trying my best to stay positive and hopeful that the OB will be able to surprise us and we will achieve our dreams sooner than we suspect. We are scheduled to meet with the OB who is the director of the facility, so that does instill a level of confidence. I feel as though, even with my conflicting feelings, that we will get our children someday, and would even on our own, but I am impatient. I have never disputed this fact. So I view the OB as helping us along faster than we seem to be able to TTC on our own. I can't wait to meet the OB and be finally moving forward in TTC!

Waiting on Wishes

I finished taking the 50mg clomid medication 6 days ago. I hear that if it does work it is supposed to help along ovulation shortly after finishing the medication. By shortly, I mean a week or two. I'm halfway through that time frame. Still waiting and hoping that it has helped me. No definitive signs yet. I have felt more cramping in my lower tummy on both sides off and on so maybe that is a good sign.

I've been taking OPKs everyday this week in the hopes of seeing the lines get darker. So far they've been, and are staying, super faint to non existent.

On a positive note, my temperatures have gone up again slightly this cycle. The trend over the past few cycles has been increasing temperatures overall, which I am looking at as a good sign of being healthy. Last autumn my BBTs were around the mid 35s during the FP and they are now around the mid 36s. Almost a full degree increase! That has got to be good.

I plan to keep on waiting (what else can I do really?) and opk testing. I'm trying to will my body to cooperate and the lines to darken, but so far it doesn't appear to be working.

Only 9 more days until we go into the fertility clinic for the first appointment! (And only 4 days until my birthday!) Our package of paperwork has not yet arrived. I'll be checking the mailbox this week in anticipation. I'm interested to see what details they've sent us and what our options may be. I'm sure I know about many/most of them as I tend to read a lot on the subject, but to actually be faced with options may be another story entirely. The funny thing is, the longer this TTC thing is taking, the more appealing multiples are looking... Maybe I'm getting impatient.

I stopped by the baby section the other day while shopping and bought a few little sleepers. We have three pink ones and four blue ones stored away for our babies. Any we don't use will end up as gifts.

Speaking of gifts, for my birthday this Friday, all I want is a strong and healthy ovulation so we can finally begin a family of our very own.