I've heard that if you dream about having a baby that it may be your body telling you something that you don't already know. Too bad that the only dream I can remember lately is one in which I am eating frozen mint nanaimo bars from a strange freezer. I woke up feeling sated, but not much closer to a BFP.
This past Monday was another lab visit to donate 5 more vials of blood. They were testing my liver enzymes in the hopes it would show in the normal range. They also ran a test for rubella antibodies in my system, since it as 1992 when I got the german measles vaccine. I'd heard from a friend, who is the same age as me, that her antibodies were very low when she was tested during her recent pregnancy. I planned to wait until Friday to go back to the walk-in clinic for the results.
As I was driving home on Thursday evening something told me to check how busy the clinic was, so I veered over two lanes and made a quick right turn to stop in for a peek. To my surprise the waiting room was nearly empty. A half hour later I was called into the exam room and that's when I met Dr. Shwaluk.
He spent over 20 minutes with me, answering my questions and he even went over every single blood result I'd gotten to date. He then went over my u/s results and showed me each page in my chart. My blood test results all came back normal. Yay, I'm healthy! I told him that the fertility clinic had contacted me and their current waiting time is anywhere from 3-6 months. He asked about my history and after a bit of discussion about medications and PCOS, he prescribed Metformin to attempt to regulate my wacky cycles. I was floored. Who was this guy? No doctor had ever treated me this well.
He did say that because I am so off track right now that it may take 6 months to regulate but I'm hopeful that it will help sooner. He was impressed that I'd done my homework and knew all about PCO, the medications and the next steps if need be. He even wrote in my chart that if this didn't work he'd recommend Provera in combination with Clomid in four months time. I'm hoping to not have to take a bunch of medications, but it's really uplifting to know that finally someone hears me! He sent me on my way with hope and a plan! After the year of struggles I have had.. I think it blew my mind..
So I start at 500mg Met per day and slowly work up to 1500mg or 3 pills a day with food. This is to ensure the side effects are minimal. For those that do not know what Metformin is, it's a drug prescribed to those with type 2 diabetes. It also happens to be helpful in PCOS cases to regulate cycles which increases fertility. I've read that it also helps some women to lose weight as it regulates blood sugar. It can also reduce the chances of miscarriage and can be taken up until the second trimester if needed. There were some other effects but I forget, as all I could focus on was the regulation of cycles. Oh please, please work.
I'm not yet sure how this may affect my current herb regimen from my Naturopath, but I plan to call him soon and ensure that everything is safe to take together. It's the whole east vs. west medicine battle, and I've been through it before, so I have an idea of what to expect. I just hope something begins to show me positive changes soon. I'm very hopeful for the future and cant wait to finally have excellent news to share!
PS- If anyone knows how to make mint nanaimo bars you know where to mail them...
Friday, March 25, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Waiting & Dreaming
I've been going up and down a lot in the past year and every time I think we're on the right track, I get beaten down by bad news. I really didn't think that TTC would be this emotional and difficult. I lived in a happy world full of rainbows and babies and happy pregnancies. I never would wish this side of life on anyone, yet I know that there are so many women out there who have been to this side of the tracks, and it is not as beautiful as one would like to believe. It seems as though the more people I talk to the more hardship I learn is out there and it seems as though almost every couple I know is having, or has had, TTC difficulties. It leaves you to ponder the question, "Why?"
On one hand it is nice to know that we are not completely alone in this. One of my friends told me that she has PCOS also and they have a new and healthy child so that brings me hope. Some are struggling like me to find answers. A number of others have told me stories of fertility treatments. Some with beautiful miracle babies and that is also hopeful, yet quite scary at the same time. It is the unknown, the feeling like maybe it will never happen for us that I am constantly fighting off, and it is slowly wearing me down.
I have heard from people close to us that they've had dreams of us with our own little girl and this only brings tears to my eyes. Tears of joy, relief, tears of pain and hope and longing. I will be so relieved to finally be able to just see a fertility specialist and I hope that they can live up to my expectations of them. I can't even fathom the feelings I will have the day we find out we're pregnant, or for that matter to even be able to believe that we have a healthy, happy pregnancy. It all just seems like a dream, so very far out of reach. All of those emotions will pale in comparison to the day we finally bring home our very own bundle of joy and what a joy it will be. Please excuse me all, if I cry for the first 18 years of my babies' lives!
Where we are at now seems like just the very tip of the beginning of this journey, and the massive scale of it if this point has taken us a year to achieve is incomprehensible to me. I'm hoping that the specialist I get will take the time to listen to my symptoms and my story. That they will be empathetic and be able to bring us our dreams. I hope that they will quickly prescribe medication to get my body back into perfect working order. I really am so very tired of waiting.
The past year I spent so much time waiting. Waiting to get my cycles back. The waiting to see if I was ovulating. Waiting and pleading with the universe to let my child grow and then waiting helplessly while we endured a loss. Watching to see my cycles progressively get longer and farther apart, was and still is, heartbreaking. Now I'm waiting to see someone who will hopefully be able to help us. It is most frustrating to be trapped inside a body which is not working properly.
I read about the medications, Metformin, Femera and Clomid, and I think perhaps one of these will help. Everyday lately has been a struggle. I wait. I think about how this past year was completely wasted waiting, only to find out that I could have saved myself the heartache and troubles if only my GP would have done her job and listened, tested. I try not to harbour anger towards that GP. It is truly hard not to place blame. I can't go back and change the past. I can only wait for my future.
I would love for our dreams to come true. I know now, that because of the struggles and hardships we have endured, that we will be wonderful parents who never take life for granted and always appreciate the small things. We will be parents to beautiful souls and I know they are out there someplace.
On one hand it is nice to know that we are not completely alone in this. One of my friends told me that she has PCOS also and they have a new and healthy child so that brings me hope. Some are struggling like me to find answers. A number of others have told me stories of fertility treatments. Some with beautiful miracle babies and that is also hopeful, yet quite scary at the same time. It is the unknown, the feeling like maybe it will never happen for us that I am constantly fighting off, and it is slowly wearing me down.
I have heard from people close to us that they've had dreams of us with our own little girl and this only brings tears to my eyes. Tears of joy, relief, tears of pain and hope and longing. I will be so relieved to finally be able to just see a fertility specialist and I hope that they can live up to my expectations of them. I can't even fathom the feelings I will have the day we find out we're pregnant, or for that matter to even be able to believe that we have a healthy, happy pregnancy. It all just seems like a dream, so very far out of reach. All of those emotions will pale in comparison to the day we finally bring home our very own bundle of joy and what a joy it will be. Please excuse me all, if I cry for the first 18 years of my babies' lives!
Where we are at now seems like just the very tip of the beginning of this journey, and the massive scale of it if this point has taken us a year to achieve is incomprehensible to me. I'm hoping that the specialist I get will take the time to listen to my symptoms and my story. That they will be empathetic and be able to bring us our dreams. I hope that they will quickly prescribe medication to get my body back into perfect working order. I really am so very tired of waiting.
The past year I spent so much time waiting. Waiting to get my cycles back. The waiting to see if I was ovulating. Waiting and pleading with the universe to let my child grow and then waiting helplessly while we endured a loss. Watching to see my cycles progressively get longer and farther apart, was and still is, heartbreaking. Now I'm waiting to see someone who will hopefully be able to help us. It is most frustrating to be trapped inside a body which is not working properly.
I read about the medications, Metformin, Femera and Clomid, and I think perhaps one of these will help. Everyday lately has been a struggle. I wait. I think about how this past year was completely wasted waiting, only to find out that I could have saved myself the heartache and troubles if only my GP would have done her job and listened, tested. I try not to harbour anger towards that GP. It is truly hard not to place blame. I can't go back and change the past. I can only wait for my future.
I would love for our dreams to come true. I know now, that because of the struggles and hardships we have endured, that we will be wonderful parents who never take life for granted and always appreciate the small things. We will be parents to beautiful souls and I know they are out there someplace.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Ultrasound
The idea of an ultrasound seems like it would be fun. I was initially excited to be "getting" an ultrasound. Boy was I wrong!
The morning before my appointment, I proceeded to drink the required eight cups of water. I was told that I had to get it all in my system at least an hour before hand. I downed over two litres of water (1850ml to be exact) and held it in. Then I drove to my appointment. Every bump in the road felt uncomfortable. Thirty minutes had passed. I had to pee. I arrived at the clinic 5 minutes before my appointment and got all checked in. Over an hour of holding it in. I really had to pee! Of course they tell me to have a seat in the waiting area... do they not realize that with a full bladder if you sit you're likely to let it all out?
Shortly afterward, I was called into a changing area and told to wait for the technician. By this time nearly two hours has passed and now I'm in pain. My bladder is so full that my stomach is hard and sticking out. I'm close to peeing on the floor. Twenty five minutes pass ever so slowly. I tell myself that I can make it through this for my future children. Finally the technician calls my name and I almost pee in joy that it's my turn. I lay down carefully on the table and she proceeds to have a look. Turns out my bladder was over full and I had to let some out so they could get good pictures. Hah. So next time I'll try only six cups instead. After that the appointment went much better and an hour later it was all done. I was so glad to have the appointment over with and be able to pee!
The next day I got a call from the walk in clinic. They wanted to see me and they said it wasn't urgent. I hung up the phone and figured I'd wait until Friday to get the results. An hour later I was on my way to the clinic. I couldn't wait for days to hear what was wrong. After a short wait, I got in to see a doctor. They found a simple cyst on my right ovary. They also saw a lot of follicles and it is possibly polycycstic ovaries/syndrome (PCO/PCOS). The doctor recommended that I see a specialist and they would refer me to the fertility clinic here in the city. If that wait would be too long, they said they'd get me a referral to an obgyn for diagnosis and treatment likely with clomid. I am now waiting for the phone call to tell me when/where I can go in. No idea when I may get a call, but I'm glad to be moving forward rather than having a doctor who won't even listen to me.
This diagnosis is both good and bad. Its a simple cyst, which I understand is the most common type, and apparently most women have them and don't even know. It will just go away on its own. Also you can have polycystic ovaries without having polycystic ovarian syndrome. They are different. I'm glad to have a path to pursue and that I will most likely be monitored along our TTC journey. I don't like thinking that there is something wrong with me, but I guess there is nothing I can do right now and I'll keep on moving forward with hope, light and love.
The other interesting note is that it seems like the ultrasound was conducted at about the same time as ovulation. So it leaves me to wonder if the cyst was a normal ovulation and if the follicles were the same, normal for the time of ovulation. I guess that I won't believe it until a specialist tells m it's true. I don't seem to have any of the PCO symptoms other than the past two very long cycles. So now I'm onto a whole other waiting period and there is a sparkle of hope that we will be pregnant before we even get an appointment with a specialist. Keeping my chin up!
The morning before my appointment, I proceeded to drink the required eight cups of water. I was told that I had to get it all in my system at least an hour before hand. I downed over two litres of water (1850ml to be exact) and held it in. Then I drove to my appointment. Every bump in the road felt uncomfortable. Thirty minutes had passed. I had to pee. I arrived at the clinic 5 minutes before my appointment and got all checked in. Over an hour of holding it in. I really had to pee! Of course they tell me to have a seat in the waiting area... do they not realize that with a full bladder if you sit you're likely to let it all out?
Shortly afterward, I was called into a changing area and told to wait for the technician. By this time nearly two hours has passed and now I'm in pain. My bladder is so full that my stomach is hard and sticking out. I'm close to peeing on the floor. Twenty five minutes pass ever so slowly. I tell myself that I can make it through this for my future children. Finally the technician calls my name and I almost pee in joy that it's my turn. I lay down carefully on the table and she proceeds to have a look. Turns out my bladder was over full and I had to let some out so they could get good pictures. Hah. So next time I'll try only six cups instead. After that the appointment went much better and an hour later it was all done. I was so glad to have the appointment over with and be able to pee!
The next day I got a call from the walk in clinic. They wanted to see me and they said it wasn't urgent. I hung up the phone and figured I'd wait until Friday to get the results. An hour later I was on my way to the clinic. I couldn't wait for days to hear what was wrong. After a short wait, I got in to see a doctor. They found a simple cyst on my right ovary. They also saw a lot of follicles and it is possibly polycycstic ovaries/syndrome (PCO/PCOS). The doctor recommended that I see a specialist and they would refer me to the fertility clinic here in the city. If that wait would be too long, they said they'd get me a referral to an obgyn for diagnosis and treatment likely with clomid. I am now waiting for the phone call to tell me when/where I can go in. No idea when I may get a call, but I'm glad to be moving forward rather than having a doctor who won't even listen to me.
This diagnosis is both good and bad. Its a simple cyst, which I understand is the most common type, and apparently most women have them and don't even know. It will just go away on its own. Also you can have polycystic ovaries without having polycystic ovarian syndrome. They are different. I'm glad to have a path to pursue and that I will most likely be monitored along our TTC journey. I don't like thinking that there is something wrong with me, but I guess there is nothing I can do right now and I'll keep on moving forward with hope, light and love.
The other interesting note is that it seems like the ultrasound was conducted at about the same time as ovulation. So it leaves me to wonder if the cyst was a normal ovulation and if the follicles were the same, normal for the time of ovulation. I guess that I won't believe it until a specialist tells m it's true. I don't seem to have any of the PCO symptoms other than the past two very long cycles. So now I'm onto a whole other waiting period and there is a sparkle of hope that we will be pregnant before we even get an appointment with a specialist. Keeping my chin up!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Round Two! Fight!
So round two of +opks came and then went. No temperature spike on my chart. I'm stumped. TKO'd. Last weeks blood testing came back and today I went in to see the walk-in clinic doctor again to get the results (which, by the way I forgot to get a copy of) and to ask if there was anything we could do about these ridiculous cycles.
The labs came back "normal" as the doctor put it. I didn't get a copy and don't know the exact numbers but for now I'll trust that his version of normal is also what it says online. I'm not that much of a control freak. yet. hah. I noticed on the requisition form that he tested me for prolactin and TSH or FSH I cant recall which, along with a bunch of other things like fasting glucose. It's good to know that those hormones are in line. The only thing that came back a bit off was my liver enzymes. He said it could have been from fighting an infection, and just to be sure he gave me a new form to get blood work done again in three weeks, around the beginning of April. I told him that today was day 43 and no sign of ovulation. So he gave me another form, this one is for a pelvic ultrasound to rule out anything there. So I'm hopeful that they will be able to see that my tubes and ovaries are all well and good. I have an appointment for Tuesday/day 47.
Other than long cycles that seem to last forever (a trend I'd prefer to not continue), I'd say I am in great health and am taking my vitamins and trying to take good care of myself through diet and rest. I could do with some more exercise, but couldn't we all?
I haven't yet solved the mental block I am experiencing with TTC. Why do I not just trust that everything is perfect? I guess the long cycles give me pause. I'm doing some soul searching right now and trying to let go of control. Once I can achieve that I know we will get our forever BFP.
[Begin Rant]
It's easy for people who have children to say "Relax.", "Stop thinking about it and it will happen.", "My cousins friends, cousin [insert random distant relative here] did that and as soon as they relaxed and stopped trying, they got pregnant." I hear this advice so often and it makes me want to scream. The people who say these things obviously have zero clue what it is like and can not empathize in the least. Why do they continue to give advice having never been in this situation?
First off, If you have never had a loss, or had to try to conceive for a long period of time, you don't have any clue what you're talking about. You cant even comprehend the suffering, so please keep your comments to yourself. We know that you are trying to help, but it's actually just making us realize that you don't know squat. I can tell you that it is not that simple to just give up and let go. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but sometimes, just sometimes I wish I could tap into people's heads and show them what this side of TTC is really like. It would blow their tiny little minds.
Secondly, that person who conceived so easily after "stopping trying" likely just got so discouraged and beaten down by failure, that they had no choice but to give up and move on with their lives thinking that they would never get to experience the wondrous gift of having their own children. It likely seemed to happen fast, to everyone else, but I'd bet that for the person affected, it was a nightmarishly long time. There remains a hope inside us that will not falter. This hope makes it so that each time you see or hear a child, or hear anyone talk about any child, all the longing floods back in and you are thinking about your own future children. This happens multiple times in any given day. It is not an obsession, but rather completely and utterly unavoidable and normal. You can not stop this anymore than you can stop breathing.
[End Rant]
As for me, I believe that there is nothing wrong with me reproductively. I think it is just a case of hormones trying to find a balance after being on BCP for 16 years, and then having a pregnancy which through my hormones into an even further unbalance. On one hand, I am a bit weary of medications like Clomid and really don't want to have to take anything in case of side effects. On the other, I am simply impatient and if I can get medical help to speed things along I will. Ultimately, I desire a family and that I am willing to become a science experiment if required in order to fulfill a dream. Who knows we may get twins that way - a whole other dimension.
I'll keep plugging along naturally on only herbs and vitamins until I am told that I need to do anything else. I know our little ones are waiting in the universe to come to us. I'm excited to meet them and teach them, love them and care for them. I sometimes let myself dream about future little ones and sit in the spare room thinking that someday it will be filled with an abundance of love and light.
Occasionally I do step back from this process and think about why I'm in a rush. For my family? For myself? I enjoy my life with DH, and we realize it will require a big change on our parts, but we are ready and open to learn a new dynamic. Even if it is scary and unknown right now. Our time will come, and I am slowly making peace with the fact that this is something which can not be controlled.
Right now it may feel like we're fighting in a boxing match, but we're going to win this fight! Soon I will get that intuition feeling again and know that our lives are changing forever for the better.
The labs came back "normal" as the doctor put it. I didn't get a copy and don't know the exact numbers but for now I'll trust that his version of normal is also what it says online. I'm not that much of a control freak. yet. hah. I noticed on the requisition form that he tested me for prolactin and TSH or FSH I cant recall which, along with a bunch of other things like fasting glucose. It's good to know that those hormones are in line. The only thing that came back a bit off was my liver enzymes. He said it could have been from fighting an infection, and just to be sure he gave me a new form to get blood work done again in three weeks, around the beginning of April. I told him that today was day 43 and no sign of ovulation. So he gave me another form, this one is for a pelvic ultrasound to rule out anything there. So I'm hopeful that they will be able to see that my tubes and ovaries are all well and good. I have an appointment for Tuesday/day 47.
Other than long cycles that seem to last forever (a trend I'd prefer to not continue), I'd say I am in great health and am taking my vitamins and trying to take good care of myself through diet and rest. I could do with some more exercise, but couldn't we all?
I haven't yet solved the mental block I am experiencing with TTC. Why do I not just trust that everything is perfect? I guess the long cycles give me pause. I'm doing some soul searching right now and trying to let go of control. Once I can achieve that I know we will get our forever BFP.
[Begin Rant]
It's easy for people who have children to say "Relax.", "Stop thinking about it and it will happen.", "My cousins friends, cousin [insert random distant relative here] did that and as soon as they relaxed and stopped trying, they got pregnant." I hear this advice so often and it makes me want to scream. The people who say these things obviously have zero clue what it is like and can not empathize in the least. Why do they continue to give advice having never been in this situation?
First off, If you have never had a loss, or had to try to conceive for a long period of time, you don't have any clue what you're talking about. You cant even comprehend the suffering, so please keep your comments to yourself. We know that you are trying to help, but it's actually just making us realize that you don't know squat. I can tell you that it is not that simple to just give up and let go. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but sometimes, just sometimes I wish I could tap into people's heads and show them what this side of TTC is really like. It would blow their tiny little minds.
Secondly, that person who conceived so easily after "stopping trying" likely just got so discouraged and beaten down by failure, that they had no choice but to give up and move on with their lives thinking that they would never get to experience the wondrous gift of having their own children. It likely seemed to happen fast, to everyone else, but I'd bet that for the person affected, it was a nightmarishly long time. There remains a hope inside us that will not falter. This hope makes it so that each time you see or hear a child, or hear anyone talk about any child, all the longing floods back in and you are thinking about your own future children. This happens multiple times in any given day. It is not an obsession, but rather completely and utterly unavoidable and normal. You can not stop this anymore than you can stop breathing.
[End Rant]
As for me, I believe that there is nothing wrong with me reproductively. I think it is just a case of hormones trying to find a balance after being on BCP for 16 years, and then having a pregnancy which through my hormones into an even further unbalance. On one hand, I am a bit weary of medications like Clomid and really don't want to have to take anything in case of side effects. On the other, I am simply impatient and if I can get medical help to speed things along I will. Ultimately, I desire a family and that I am willing to become a science experiment if required in order to fulfill a dream. Who knows we may get twins that way - a whole other dimension.
I'll keep plugging along naturally on only herbs and vitamins until I am told that I need to do anything else. I know our little ones are waiting in the universe to come to us. I'm excited to meet them and teach them, love them and care for them. I sometimes let myself dream about future little ones and sit in the spare room thinking that someday it will be filled with an abundance of love and light.
Occasionally I do step back from this process and think about why I'm in a rush. For my family? For myself? I enjoy my life with DH, and we realize it will require a big change on our parts, but we are ready and open to learn a new dynamic. Even if it is scary and unknown right now. Our time will come, and I am slowly making peace with the fact that this is something which can not be controlled.
Right now it may feel like we're fighting in a boxing match, but we're going to win this fight! Soon I will get that intuition feeling again and know that our lives are changing forever for the better.
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